A Lollipop and Two Dozen Roses

A man carrying a boat over a mountain and a blizzard almost ruined my attempt at surprising my girlfriend. In the end I got saved by a condom.

Illustration by Chelsea Mose

It seemed I was the only person on campus not getting laid hourly during my freshman year at NYU. The trouble was a steadfast commitment to a long distance girlfriend whom I loved too much to cheat on.

Long distance relationships are tricky because long distance sex is unfeasible, for now. So I dreamed up a Valentine’s Day surprise to return to her bed as soon as possible.

She expected me back in Nashville late February 14th, but I decided to cut class and go home a day early. I’d tell her to step outside her house, where I would be waiting for hugs and kisses. It would blow her goddamned mind.

But come February 13th my flight was delayed by an hour because of an impending blizzard. To kill time, I decided to watch the beginning of “Fitzcarraldo,” Werner Herzog’s maligned masterpiece about one man’s insane attempt to yank a boat over a mountain.

The delay mounted. By the time Herzog’s boat had made it to the other side my flight had been pushed back to 7:45. I …