Narratively

Narratively

Share this post

Narratively
Narratively
Dodging Tomatoes with the Renaissance Faire’s Juiciest Comic
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More

Dodging Tomatoes with the Renaissance Faire’s Juiciest Comic

How a hot-lipped man named Cracker earns an honest living, and raises a son, one carefully crafted wisecrack and flying fruit to the face at a time.

Jordan G. Teicher
Aug 21, 2015
∙ Paid

Share this post

Narratively
Narratively
Dodging Tomatoes with the Renaissance Faire’s Juiciest Comic
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More
Share
Photos by Jordan G. Teicher

A man with shiny, slicked-back hair slaps a five-dollar bill on the counter, picks up one of his newly purchased projectiles, winds up and fires. The first tomato comes hard and fast, flying towards the wooden wall about a dozen feet away, where painted letters spell the name of the game: “Rotten Revenge.”

Splat. A miss.

“Sir, did you know you have enough mousse on your head to sink a sea turtle?” yells “Cracker,” the fruit-thrower’s target. “When you shower, dolphins die.”

Cracker, aka Michael Higgins, 36, braces for the next one. His arms and do-ragged head are his only visible body parts, sticking through the three cut-outs, which resemble Renaissance-era stocks once used to punish criminals.

Splat. Another miss.

“Nature hates you.”

A third tossed tomato comes closer and faster this time. There’s anger behind this one.

“Sir, you’re obviously a guy who enjoys drinking alone,” Cracker says pleasantly.

Splat. Miss.

“Is this harder than downloading dates?” Cracker ask…

Keep reading with a 7-day free trial

Subscribe to Narratively to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in
© 2025 Narratively, Inc.
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start writingGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture

Share

Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More