My stepmother and I never got along, but not allowing me to be by dad’s side while he was dying crossed a line. I've regretted not standing up to her ever since.
Sometimes "outsiders" help families to heal. Sometimes they are neutral, an afterthought, even inconsequential. Then there are outsiders who wreak havoc in subtle or overt ways. I am SO sorry your father's wife shut you out of his last moments of life. That was a heinous act of bitter selfishness. But you know what? I'd bet anything your dad DID feel you there. Right there beside him, holding his hand as his final exhale ushered him into a place of untold wholeness. May you take comfort in that idea. ♡
Welll, and that is a deep well to go down, into. I have not yet published/ finished my coffee table book about 'The Last 4 Years", all the thoughts/ actions during my mother and I dealing with her having dementia and then passing. I was to manage her affairs then, I took a new job and began to work more than my regular hours. On the day that I forgot my phone and stayed later than usual - I went home tired and still got up early to go see Mom. The place where she was living called me about 9am and I was happy to tell her I was on my way, see you soon! The woman I did trust to guide my mother through her absent/ forgetful day replied, "There is no rush now, your mother has passed." I was and have been very remorse that I did not divert my own plans to go see her that evening, no matter the hour. The specialist had come by that day to assess her and called me - my phone was home. All I know is I did carry out all the next tasks but damn, the one that I truly wanted to do was to be with her as she went into that other place... to let her go with assurance everything is okay. It's been awhile. I forgive myself. Take care yourself too.
A complicated situation. I'm so sorry. No wonder you wrote about it. Powerfully. Your story piqued my interest. It's similar to but different from mine. The roles are switched. Toward the end of my father's life, I set a firm boundary between his girlfriend and me. And him. When he was in memory care in the final stages of Alzheimer's, I barred her from visiting him. Some people might say I did wrong by my father. But as the sole person morally and legally responsible for him, I needed to take care of myself, too, in order to function executively. It's a long story. I won't go further into it here. Suffice it to say, unfortunately his girlfriend and I had an extremely fraught relationship. When the end was imminent, I got in touch with her to let her know. My father was comfortable, unconscious, and at peace. Being first with my mother and then with my sister when they died was traumatizing. With my father I was able to say goodbye before he was gone. And step aside. After I left his room, my father's priest and his girlfriend came to say their goodbyes. They were with him when he passed. Who's to say what is bad and what is good. We never know whether an unfortunate event or situation, or even an accident, may prove later on to actually be a gift. If we can find it. I hope you do. Perhaps you are authoring it.
This hit home for me, as my father-in-law died in June. We live in another state and tried to visit in May, but wife #3 said it wasn't convenient. She had for years tried to alienate his family. He went downhill quickly a month later. My heart aches for my husband and for the writer of this piece.
It’s so unfair and just plain wrong. I am sorry you and your husband experienced a similar situation. My heart breaks for families dealing with dysfunctional/unkind stepparents. On a sidenote, it took two years for my stepmother to finally let me have some of my father‘s ashes. She sent them to me in a crumpled brown box that I found lying on our front porch. It’s difficult to understand people like that, isn’t it? Hang in there Pat. Xx
Thank you Kathy. Writing is funny, isn't it? Reliving the pain and mentally walking through those horrific moments again and again is so challenging. And yet, by putting pen to paper I do believe we can find a sliver of peace. I hope writing your memoir has offered the same kind of comfort it's offered me. Nice to hear from you.
Lovely evocative piece.. we all have to live with the minor ( and major) mistakes we make in our lives. I am sure that your dad knew you were with him in soul and spirit.
Thank you Susan. I appreciate you reaching out. It seems these days grief has taken a front seat with my writing. It just won’t seem to leave me alone. I suppose personal essays helps us all unpack what contintues gnawing at us. I actually feel better having put that six year regret to bed. Finally.
I’m so sorry. This could have been me, but my stepmother predeceased my dad, though he was decades older. I feared this exact scene and I’m so sorry you had to live it. But, of course you left. Surely you didn’t want to risk the peace your father needed. Like a kind of Antigone, you sacrificed yourself because you loved him. She was selfish and small to the end.
Thank you Eliza. I've considered this moment many times and not just this moment, but so many others where I thougtht I was supposed to be respectful rather than true to myself. Now that I'm older I am better at speaking up for myself and taking care of my own mental and physical health. It's unfortunate that we sometimes only learn these things when we're much older. And yes, for me it was about keeping the peace for my father. It always was.
Thank you for sharing this with us. My brother's oldest daughter-- I'll call her X--has kept me from being with my sibling for the last 4 years, ever since his dementia began hampering his ability to call me weekly----- Three years ago, the daughter put brother & his wife into assisted living--thankfully they could afford a rather high-class situation. ----Long ago, X turned my sister against brother's wife (yes,this in-law, was kinda difficult to be around, some times, but NOT impossible.-- she and I had a friendly enough relationship until X found out that I liked her ...and thus began restricting contact with my brother even more.--This 2nd wife died 4 months ago,--alone--because that's how X wanted. things to be. ---Today X is ok about me seeing my brother (in another state) ... well, X is sorta ok: she wants to be there when I am. ... Tragically, my brother is so far gone mentally, that he won't know if I'm there or not ===and because my husband canNOT be left alone anymore-- I have only our memories. I am so sad.
Thank you so much for this beautifully poignant story. I am deeply touched reading it, as I too “wasn’t there” with my grandmother when she died, but it was her that told me to leave and “Go home!” I am sending you a heartfelt hug and thank you @narratively what a brilliant choice.
Sometimes "outsiders" help families to heal. Sometimes they are neutral, an afterthought, even inconsequential. Then there are outsiders who wreak havoc in subtle or overt ways. I am SO sorry your father's wife shut you out of his last moments of life. That was a heinous act of bitter selfishness. But you know what? I'd bet anything your dad DID feel you there. Right there beside him, holding his hand as his final exhale ushered him into a place of untold wholeness. May you take comfort in that idea. ♡
Welll, and that is a deep well to go down, into. I have not yet published/ finished my coffee table book about 'The Last 4 Years", all the thoughts/ actions during my mother and I dealing with her having dementia and then passing. I was to manage her affairs then, I took a new job and began to work more than my regular hours. On the day that I forgot my phone and stayed later than usual - I went home tired and still got up early to go see Mom. The place where she was living called me about 9am and I was happy to tell her I was on my way, see you soon! The woman I did trust to guide my mother through her absent/ forgetful day replied, "There is no rush now, your mother has passed." I was and have been very remorse that I did not divert my own plans to go see her that evening, no matter the hour. The specialist had come by that day to assess her and called me - my phone was home. All I know is I did carry out all the next tasks but damn, the one that I truly wanted to do was to be with her as she went into that other place... to let her go with assurance everything is okay. It's been awhile. I forgive myself. Take care yourself too.
A complicated situation. I'm so sorry. No wonder you wrote about it. Powerfully. Your story piqued my interest. It's similar to but different from mine. The roles are switched. Toward the end of my father's life, I set a firm boundary between his girlfriend and me. And him. When he was in memory care in the final stages of Alzheimer's, I barred her from visiting him. Some people might say I did wrong by my father. But as the sole person morally and legally responsible for him, I needed to take care of myself, too, in order to function executively. It's a long story. I won't go further into it here. Suffice it to say, unfortunately his girlfriend and I had an extremely fraught relationship. When the end was imminent, I got in touch with her to let her know. My father was comfortable, unconscious, and at peace. Being first with my mother and then with my sister when they died was traumatizing. With my father I was able to say goodbye before he was gone. And step aside. After I left his room, my father's priest and his girlfriend came to say their goodbyes. They were with him when he passed. Who's to say what is bad and what is good. We never know whether an unfortunate event or situation, or even an accident, may prove later on to actually be a gift. If we can find it. I hope you do. Perhaps you are authoring it.
Now I know more about you…. Thank you.
:-) Thanks Bar! Cheers!
Beautiful, heartbreaking, powerful.
This hit home for me, as my father-in-law died in June. We live in another state and tried to visit in May, but wife #3 said it wasn't convenient. She had for years tried to alienate his family. He went downhill quickly a month later. My heart aches for my husband and for the writer of this piece.
It’s so unfair and just plain wrong. I am sorry you and your husband experienced a similar situation. My heart breaks for families dealing with dysfunctional/unkind stepparents. On a sidenote, it took two years for my stepmother to finally let me have some of my father‘s ashes. She sent them to me in a crumpled brown box that I found lying on our front porch. It’s difficult to understand people like that, isn’t it? Hang in there Pat. Xx
So poignant and resonant in many ways and of course, beautiful writing. I hope writing this has brought you a sliver of peace.
Thank you Kathy. Writing is funny, isn't it? Reliving the pain and mentally walking through those horrific moments again and again is so challenging. And yet, by putting pen to paper I do believe we can find a sliver of peace. I hope writing your memoir has offered the same kind of comfort it's offered me. Nice to hear from you.
Narratively submission
Lovely evocative piece.. we all have to live with the minor ( and major) mistakes we make in our lives. I am sure that your dad knew you were with him in soul and spirit.
Jen,
I was struck by your special connection with your father and the way you expressed your regret so touchingly. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Susan. I appreciate you reaching out. It seems these days grief has taken a front seat with my writing. It just won’t seem to leave me alone. I suppose personal essays helps us all unpack what contintues gnawing at us. I actually feel better having put that six year regret to bed. Finally.
My stepmother kept me from my dad’s side when he died, but I have a sweet video of him singing to me the day before he died.
I love that your Dad sang to you. That's a treasure right there. xx
I’m so sorry. This could have been me, but my stepmother predeceased my dad, though he was decades older. I feared this exact scene and I’m so sorry you had to live it. But, of course you left. Surely you didn’t want to risk the peace your father needed. Like a kind of Antigone, you sacrificed yourself because you loved him. She was selfish and small to the end.
Thank you Eliza. I've considered this moment many times and not just this moment, but so many others where I thougtht I was supposed to be respectful rather than true to myself. Now that I'm older I am better at speaking up for myself and taking care of my own mental and physical health. It's unfortunate that we sometimes only learn these things when we're much older. And yes, for me it was about keeping the peace for my father. It always was.
Thank you for sharing this with us. My brother's oldest daughter-- I'll call her X--has kept me from being with my sibling for the last 4 years, ever since his dementia began hampering his ability to call me weekly----- Three years ago, the daughter put brother & his wife into assisted living--thankfully they could afford a rather high-class situation. ----Long ago, X turned my sister against brother's wife (yes,this in-law, was kinda difficult to be around, some times, but NOT impossible.-- she and I had a friendly enough relationship until X found out that I liked her ...and thus began restricting contact with my brother even more.--This 2nd wife died 4 months ago,--alone--because that's how X wanted. things to be. ---Today X is ok about me seeing my brother (in another state) ... well, X is sorta ok: she wants to be there when I am. ... Tragically, my brother is so far gone mentally, that he won't know if I'm there or not ===and because my husband canNOT be left alone anymore-- I have only our memories. I am so sad.
Beautifully written and my heart aches
Thanks Susan. xx
Gave me chills. Ah retrospect. Sending a hug to your younger self.
Thank you so much for this beautifully poignant story. I am deeply touched reading it, as I too “wasn’t there” with my grandmother when she died, but it was her that told me to leave and “Go home!” I am sending you a heartfelt hug and thank you @narratively what a brilliant choice.
Thanks, Jaime! Glad to hear it resonated.