My Perfect Pictures and the Pain Behind Them

As an actress and model, I presented whatever the world wanted me to be. But there was so much more to my story.

Collage by Yunuen Bonaparte | Edited by Lilly Dancyger

I sit in child’s pose on the carpet, my back inches away from the heater in the wall, cradling images of the girl I used to be. I cup her many faces in my hands, like water droplets threatening to spill through laced fingers.

In each picture, I am the result of another person, their needs, opinions, objectives, desires. I came across this stack of photos tucked inside a wooden jewelry box while searching for earrings to wear for my evening performance. The contrast between the girl visible and the tales beneath fell me to my knees, to curl against this wall hoping to feel warm again.