Sex Writing Saved Me

An abusive relationship with my first boyfriend left me feeling lost and broken. A career spent exploring BDSM and an endless variety of vibrators helped me feel whole again.

Illustrations by Esther Hong

The first sex toy I ever tried was the Tantus Feeldoe. It was a smooth, silicone, double-ended dildo, six inches long on one side, just a couple inches long on the other, each end expanding into a bulb about one and a half inches in diameter. I’d chosen it out of a whole slew of erotic devices jammed together in the naughty drawer at the office. I was an intern for an alternative weekly in Boston, creating erotic content for an adult dating site, and the drawer contained a pile of silicone and rubber that was shiny, colorful and absolutely terrifying. I was drawn to the Feeldoe because of its extreme and glossy purple-ness — my favorite color. I tried to imagine I was accessorizing, in much the same way I once had my childhood bedroom painted a restrained shade of lilac.

In preparation for my evening with this new toy, I brushed my teeth, stepped out of my pencil skirt, and slipped on something more comfortable: boxer shorts and a soft, gray T-shirt. I sat c…