She Had an Abortion Without Telling Me. Is That Ok?

I never thought I would care. And then, suddenly, I did.

Illustrations by Daniel Fishel

After Sasha told me without saying a word that she was no longer pregnant, I felt disbelief, then hope, then devastation, all in the span of a few seconds. I realized, first, that we’d conceived a kid, an unimaginable thought to me then, at twenty-two. Second, that having a baby might have meant Sasha and I finally had the chance to build a home together. And then third, crushingly, that none of this would ever be.

For the entire duration of our illicit relationship, Sasha had been with another man. She’d been dating him for two years, and things had gone stale. I was a spectator, her sideline, listening from the outside about how she and her boyfriend no longer slept together. Then I was the one who made her feel guilty after she slept with me enough times to negate the excuse of a one-night stand.

Earlier that day I’d found Sasha, whose name I’ve changed here, swinging in the hammock outside my apartment’s front door. She always made me giddy, causing a f…